References are a priceless human account of how your job candidate functions in the workplace. They can speak to a candidate’s work style, personality, punctuality, diligence, competence, achievements, and so much more. A hiring manager would expect a candidate’s references to be glowing, provided they selected their references carefully.

But let’s turn the tables. What if a colleague, team member, or friend asked you to give a reference on their behalf? And what if you couldn’t exactly guarantee a glowing recommendation? It can be incredibly hard to say no when someone comes to you in confidence, but rather than compromise your own integrity or say something you know will harm the candidate’s chances, try one of these gracious ways to avoid giving the reference.

• “I’m sorry, but my schedule just isn’t reliable right now.” What you’re actually saying: You’re not able to make time for a reference. Whether family, travel, or a big deadline, you just can’t offer the time and attention it takes to prepare a solid letter of recommendation or to stand by for a reference check. Your schedule is so full, you don’t feel able to field or return reference calls in a timely manner, and you would never want to jeopardize the applicant’s candidacy.
• “I don’t feel I can adequately speak to your best work.” What you’re actually saying: You haven’t seen justification for a glowing review. You might not have witnessed enough of the candidate’s work to judge if it’s good, or you might know firsthand that the candidate’s work is, well, not so good. You can reinforce this answer with, “I feel like I don’t know you well enough to offer the reference you deserve.” Either way, any reference you might give would not be able to reflect the highest level of praise.
• “I can’t speak to your leadership skills, but I can speak to your client interaction.” What you’re actually saying: It’s not no on the reference, but your qualified answers might not be all that helpful, either. This forces the candidate to decide how much they need your buy-in for this position, and could get you on the hook for giving a reference. But at least it would be a reference on your terms, speaking only to those traits you could support in good conscience.
• “I don’t feel I’m the best person to give a reference, but I’d be glad to help review your resume or run a mock interview with you.” What you’re actually saying: It’s a no on the reference, but you’re willing to support the candidate’s job search in other ways. It’s a simple and direct win-win.

So what are we actually saying, here? You can graciously decline any reference request you don’t feel qualified or justified to make. It’s better to offer an honest refusal than to accept (and then ignore) the reference check or to blindside the candidate with negative feedback. Sometimes refusing to provide a reference is the best way for you to help a candidate move on to the next step of their career!